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dear Pastor,
from 3 november, i so wanted to write to you but somehow i just couldn’t find the time. i’m busy making your song book, busy crying, busy calling all your friends, busy looking out for you, so busy that i don’t even have time to, like people say, ‘grieve’…i simply can’t sit myself down to write to and about you. maybe its only better. i cannot grieve 100%. 72% of me is busy, busy planning what’s next, 27% doing the work and prob only given 1% to grieve.
you know, i don’t buy ice cream to eat, today i did. and thanks to the cornetto, some biscuit stuck in my molar then i give myself the excuse to write since i busy getting the crumbs out. for a moment, i blanked out. i have so much to write for the past weeks but now, blank.
people tell me to move on, we gotta have closure, he’s in better place blah blah blah…but i simply don’t understand what they mean. i only know the only things that is close now is prob your bank account and your senior citizen ez link card. if you are here, you will be able to tell me what is call ‘closure’. move on?how to? i can’t even pack up your PC before its send to your place. i’m still cleaning them as per normal.
i’m worried, you always tell me, whatever we do will affect another person. i don’t know how to ‘move on’ myself, how to ask others to ‘move on’. till now i haven’t tell anyone to move on, except telling them ‘the show must go on’. i’ll make sure everything you have thought and planned will be carried out, sui sui.
i dare not move on, what if i forget you? forget what you tell me? forget your jokes? i was so upset my phone is spoiled and i cannot see our last conversations for past month. i found some old sms from march and its like as if you have just told them to me. just looking at your handwriting and signature makes me wanna cry. i have decided not to look at old emails and sms but i to remember you in my mind.
thanks to you, so many people visit my blog ha ha ha…random fame. ok stuck biscuit is out, my excused have been used up.
i dreamt about you twice, please lah, speak up clearer in my dream next time, i can never remember what you say to me when i wake.
